There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
50% drunk capacity currently
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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