Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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