Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There are leaves in my underwear?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
