the condom got lost in my hair
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
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I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.