There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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