Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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