tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
