These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Michael Bay diarrhea
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
