Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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