I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My feet surprised me
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