I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
