lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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