So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
