but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize