I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
