My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im six kinds of drunk right now
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
