I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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