When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
