I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
