I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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