I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
