Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
