she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
