I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
