so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
