so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
His hands were made for my vagina.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
