My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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