Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
