I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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