you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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