captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize