I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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