i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
