I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
