please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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