hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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