She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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