no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
