my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
