It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
