Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
