If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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