by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
