one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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