we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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