In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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