Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
