i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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