I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
