if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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