There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
