you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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