i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
