never play flip cup with pint glasses
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
