I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
